Monday, January 28, 2013

Are women interested in Bisexual men?

Ive recently noticed that the question, "Are there women who are interested or willing to date bisexual men?", is being asked quite a bit online.  Literally, I found this question in three different groups and on one friends Facebook wall.  The following is my response to one of the four posts.

Posted Jan 27th 2013:  "I was pleasantly surprised when I came out to women. I had worried that there would be no one who would want me, but I found out that many women were attracted to me because of my courage, AND what they saw as an opportunity to be with a man who was operating without the traditional baggage str8 men bring to relationships. The down side were the women who just wanted to have freaky sex with me, because they thought it would be somehow "different" or kinky to be with a bisexual man.

Ive watched attitudes about bisexual men change over time and then change again. They are changing now. The internet has been a huge contributor to that change. Yes, there is stigma. Yes, there are some women who are loudly anti-bisexual men. The thing about it though, is, if I had never gotten honest with the women I desired, I never wouldve found the ones who desired me.

Its natural for people, str8, gay or otherwise, to want to have as large a pool of sexual options as possible. By being honest, in either direction, we reduce our "imagined" options. I say "imagined" because we like to "think" we can be with anyone, as long as they dont know the "dirt" on us. Its not true...thats a fantasy. Everyone doesnt want any one person, no matter how beautiful and attractive they might seem to us. There is always someone who will reject us. For me, being honest is an acceptance of is a pre-emptive strike that weeds out the ones who are "definitely" not an option. It leaves ONLY the potentials and the ones who will at least respect me for who I am.

The world looks different when we are surrounded by people who KNOW us, Love us, and embrace us...for us.

Hiding the truth keeps us separate from the ones who are waiting to love us. It keeps us in the fear that worries about things that havent happened. It keeps us asking, without end, what if, what if?

There are actually women who do "seek" out bisexual men...there are more women who are "available" and "willing" to date an intriguingly honest and interesting man who happens to be bisexual.

I understand what its like to love women, to find it easy to date men, and not want to "risk" losing forever the connection to women over a label. Im in a relationship and still find myself surrounded by women who either date bi men or are willing to consider dating bi men.

Times ARE changing. Even understanding of who is bisexual amongst women is changing. Women who are bi for their male partners or who are non-reciprocating pillow princesses for oral are being scrutinized for their deeper motivations. There are people with various levels of maturity outside of and within the bisexual spectrum. Making ourselves accessible to the ones who are grown enough to relate to us first requires our own willingness to value our true selves more than we value others attention and validation. It doesnt mean giving up our "privacy"...but it does mean giving up some of our "secrecy". One does not have to be a flag waving, parade marching, activist to be true to oneself and inner circle...but one has to embrace the fullness of ones being to shine bright enough to "attract" the ones we seek.

Thats my truth...."

A. Shade Grey

Monday, October 15, 2012

A Bi Blast from the Past: Colorbinumbers

This is a found commentary I posted online years ago.  Im sure I was responding to some question in the Down Low Forum, although I do not remember the entire context.  Certainly, it seems I included the question in the commentary.

Having founded Colorbinumbers, a bisexual support group for people of color and their friends, I was one of very few black men in the mid-nineties out and posting online about bisexuality and its issues.  We have come a very loooong way since then.  Back then, finding community as a black bisexual person was almost unheard of.  There was BiNet, but when I started Atlantas first bisexual support group, The Bisexual Atlanta Resource Network, they didnt have a presence in Atlanta yet.  It was only after the BARN they connected with us and established the beginning of a presence there.

Wow!  Just thinking about those days seem like a dream sequence in a movie.  LOTS has happened since then. Yikes!

Anyway, is the found commentary from way back when.  The website doesnt have a date, but I havent used the email address since before '98.  Here is the site.

Is bisexuality in vogue? No, I dont think it is. I think that people are both fascinated by the idea of it and repulsed by the fear of it. Many people know deep in their hearts that they would love to live as bi people with all that being bi offers, both imagined and real, but they cant see how to do it without shaking up the very fiber of their mental, spiritual and physical being.

Bisexuality seemingly threatens the very social structure we live in. As bisexuals we pose a threat to the traditional tenants of marriage, partnership and sexual availability. We threaten the constructs of male and female relationships and role-playing. Most people are afraid that if they say they are bi they will lose something whether it be political affiliation or familial relationships. When we add to that an already homophobic black culture we increase the fear one thousand fold. If you are gay you can create a life for yourself devoid of any contact with het people. You can also do that in the reverse, not connecting with many gay peeps, but as a bi person who is "out AND black" you experience what true social alienation is all about. Hets refer to you as a mythical creature who spreads AIDs. Gays say you lie and cant be trusted, apparently more than str8 and gay peeps. Black people say we are a compromise to the race AND freaks to boot. Oh and why dont you just go on and admit you're gay while you're at it. Meanwhile there is such a desire within the bi community to project a wholesome image to the world and thus circumvent the fear, that they too create an environment where bi people who do in fact love to date men and women simultaneously have to do so at the risk of being politically incorrect.

Why do we have to have all these rules about sexuality to begin with? Why are we threatened by who someone else is fucking or wanting to fuck? Does it really matter? Well, the insurance companies seem to think so. Government and churches seem to think so. Banks seem to think so. No one wants to have to spend the extra money involved in acknowledging the sanctity of an alternative relationship. Meanwhile most bi folk just wanna have a decent life like anyone else so we hide. There is no community big enough and strong enough to protect most bi folk. Most peeps just want to do there job and go home to whomever they live with to do whatever they do with discretion. Its unfortunate that we have to choose between being honest about who we are and having our lives disrupted, or lying about it and being able to at least hold on to a glimmer of love from somebody.

Im an openly bisexual blackman. I tell the women I sleep with and the men (before I fuck em). Im out publicly in my work and hope to write on the subject soon. Ive put a lot on the line to be who I am and Ive sacrificed a lot. I have opinions about married men not telling their wives but I know different people are in different places, most living in fear.

He who is without sin cast the first stone..........................

My online moniker was Smoke back then.  Today... A. Grey

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Considering Grey...

Alright, alright, settle down!!

This blog is NOT named after whats her names book.  Ive been contemplating creating either an online publication or newsletter for years under the name "Shades of Gray".  Shades of Gray was meant to represent the various shades of human sexuality between the extremes of str8 and gay.

I actually got around to creating this blog page back in July of 2010, July 24th to be exact.  How interesting is that?  Some kind of professional procrastinator I must be. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ive been meaning to get around to actually posting something on the blog, but, well, life happens. 

Im here now.

I do have some ideas of what I want to cover here, but Im also going to be figuring it out.  If youre lucky (or unfortunate enough) to have tripped into my blog world, you have an opportunity to watch me grow from nothing something pages.  Dont know how interesting it will be for you, but Im stretching by just posting here today.

So, wish me luck, because its day one of my blogging efforts. Who knows how often Ill write??  We will see....

As Arnold would say, "Ill be back.", with opinion, commentary, and something (hopefully useful) to say.  Until then,
Asta la Pasta!!

Alexander Grey